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I'm writing this to you because I've always felt you smart and honest, yeah, but also because somehow you developed into one of a very few people that I feel like I can say anything to.

I haven't spoken to her in several months and I think that is good for me. I stopped answering her calls, and then accidentally picked-up one time, I forget why, I was in Iowa with my dad and probably distracted, and when I heard her voice I instinctively just hung up. She hasn't called since then. Case closed.

Until today. She called. I didn't answer, she left a message saying that S*S*, "she pass away."

She doesn't have any girlfriends. S*S* might be her only almost-one. She and I were worried for her many months ago, thought she might have a serious health issue.

I listened to her message and felt like I'd been hit in the stomach with a sledgehammer. The news saddened me deeply, but also the sound of real sadness in her voice. I felt sad for her and I felt sad because there was nothing I could do about it.

I feel like I should call and offer my condolences, but I'm afraid to ...
... because I fear that it will do something to me. I'm afraid I'm weak.
I'm ashamed I don't have a 'winning' answer to the inevitable "How have you been?" I don't care about or want to know how she's been. And there's the rub. It's a cliché but it's true. When somebody has lied to you it's hard to believe anything they say, no matter how mundane. That's probably the saddest thing of all. I might want to know how she is but I will never believe anything she says, ever again.

I still think about her every day, but it doesn't hurt any more. I'm afraid any contact with her will make it hurt again.

I think calling is the proper thing to do, but I don't know that I could get through it.

I could email her, but I don't even want to say, to her, that I feel bad for her. I don't want to give her anything. I could add that she should seek condolence from all her "really good friends" that she always tried to hold up against me, you know, a parting shot.

Everything I can think of appalls me. I'm so immature.

A short email that says "I'm very sorry. Thank you for letting me know" seems appropriate without giving anything, but its abruptness speaks loudly.

Maybe I can live with knowing that she is not part of my life and I needn't feel the need to do anything. It's her problem, her mistake for making the call. I don't think she made it because she thought it would be the proper thing to let me know that someone I knew and liked had passed away. When my relationship with her ended, my relationship with S*S* did as well.

I want to throw up.

love is trusting someone enough to reveal yourself completely to them ... without fear.

you must proceed with faith. suspicion, even an agnostic approach, will not work, will not be enough ... shouldn't be enough.

Over the years as my classes have struggled to come up with an analysis of 'faith', the consensus has been that faith is commitment (to a belief or person) that outstrips the available evidence/reason for believing that proposition, believing in that person. That is why some suppose love must be unconditional (not dependent on evidence/behavior). I see faith as contrasted to warranted assertability; if one has good evidence/reason for a proposition, then one is warranted in claiming it to be true (and this remains true even if, in fact, the proposition is false). To the extent that warrant is available, faith is not needed. That's why Kierkegaard says, "I believe because it is absurd!" His point being that no evidence to the contrary could shake his belief; in fact, the more counter-evidence, the more faith is needed, just as the more evidence, the less faith is needed. Since an absurdity is a contradiction, it takes great faith, indeed, to believe it. For Kierkegaard, faith is literally counter-evidential.

And after the high-blown stuff, yes, trust (without evidence or sneaking or peaking) is necessary to good relationships (whether of the love sort or not).

~larry

Whenever I relate a story that involves a friend, or talk about something a friend said to me, or say that I'm going to meet a friend, I always name them, and usually add a little information about how or why they are my friend.

I am suspicious of people who don't do that.

Generally speaking, I would imagine that the friend they are referring to is not, strictly speaking, a friend. And probably not someone to whom you might be introduced anytime soon.

It could be concern for the privacy of the friend.

I like and am proud of my friends (whom I consider my family), I name them, credit them, talk about them (perhaps too much). I would wonder why someone would not talk of their family.

My friend Anahita observed that this modus operandi may indicate that the un-named ones are probably people that I am not likely to be introduced to any time soon. I think that's true and consequently wonder what the story behind such a decision would be. Secret? Revealing too much? Exposing?

I crave introducing my friends to new partners as a way of revealing myself. My friends say so much about me.

We are our histories. Our histories make us private or not. I doubt it has anything to do with virtue.

But if privacy is one thing and privacy for a reason is another, then there could be a point where one's privacy is judicable (judge-able?), not simply historicitical, yes?

It's weird because it seems deliberate, not just a casual omission. With her it was absolutely deliberate, and fell under her umbrella of total dishonesty.

From: blindcat007
Subject: hello

I LIKE YOUR PROFILE.
—

From: sitenoise
Subject: RE:hello (Contains Rose)

What is it that you like?

—
From: blindcat007
Subject: sleepy

Read that again, It seems too much for my understanding. I don't know what is your expectation from woman. I would rather get drunk.
—

From: sitenoise
Subject: RE:sleepy

So you were lying when you said you liked my profile?

—
From: blindcat007
Subject: why

If you want to get rid of everything, include my pictures, will you please sent them back to me before you deleted. And how can I beleive you love me before? I want my pictures back, and you can get you bracelet back. Remember that, I go to sitenoise.com almost every day. I don't care how many pictures you put there. Just please if you don't want them anymore, send back to me. And I don't want you to show anyone my picture's too.
--

From: sitenoise
Subject: RE:why (Contains Rose)

I can't believe it. I knew this was you.

Creepy

in a big big world

She married the man who stole her virginity.

She drove him to jail so he wouldn't be embarrassed as he faced rape charges, so she wouldn't be embarrassed. She did this with her little girl still inside her ... to save face. She never cried.

Her first marriage lasted seven months.

She left her homeland to escape motherhood; borrowed money to pay gangsters for a marriage, a chance at a new life. She never lived with her second husband.

She spent years in the US heartland learning english from christians, auto mechanics, the courteous and elderly.

Gangsters skip town, stop paying the husband who refused to file a petition for her daughter. She would divorce before she could complete the final step in reuniting with her daughter.

Everything seemed to be working.

She took a job at the Liars Club. She would improve her skills, payoff her bills and count her kills.

A rookie, she fell prey to someone whose game was better than hers.

The people around her, her teammates, the ones she would call 'friends' knew how foolish, how naive, she was. But liars don't make noise about liars. They watched coldly as she stumbled. They encouraged her to learn the game.

Liars can't make friends with non-liars. They can only have relationships with them. They can seduce those who are not like them. Only in the absence of trust can they hope to find life. Psychic Vampires.

The man who lied to her was married to a veteran of the Liars Club. Liars breed incestuously for job security. It's natural selection.

She tried to run away ... but found her path of least resistance to be familiarity. Habit. The drug was working.

Her vision became clearer, literally and figuratively. She returned to the Liars Club with a vengeance, doing things that were at one time beyond her moral ambivalence. They were quickly and easily assimilated into a new and rigid code.

She met a man. A man who would be true, a man who offered her a fading, blurred vision of her rotting dream. She said "You can't handle the truth!" because she couldn't. She dismissed it.

She changed departments frequently within the Liars Club, looking for a comfortable fit, a shield from the gaze of sunlight and truth. Comfortable anonymity.

She was invisible and invincible. She would passively, without remorse, shame, or guilt, take a job at Division OA, owned and operated by the lying, and lied to, wife of the man who seduced her, who lied to her, who fucked her without protection—literally, figuratively, emotionally and physically.

Frankenstein balls. A monster of deceit. The victory was not in lying but in making it meaningless, like a serial murderer. Beyond good and evil.

She will leave. She has left. She will die. She's finished her relationship with the liar ... [because] now they are friends, bloodless partners in crime. She can lie to him as well as he lies to her. She came, she saw, she learned, she conquered.

Liars make friends with liars. They call them true friends. They think people who lie to them are being nice because it is all they know ... like flies on shit. They can never feel pain or remorse for lying, for hurting. To do so would be failure. Lying must be done unrepentantly.

She's MIA from the Liars Club for a moment, but she will undoubtedly return. Maybe in another city, maybe in another relationship.

She's MIA from her lover ....

She is mistaken.

Mistakes are forgivable, understandable. Human. All too human.

Guilt and deceit are cancer.

This is beautiful. It started here, in Singapore, and in 2 degrees of separation it landed in my lap. I didn't want to talk about it, I was done talking about it, but I'm that guy who can't stop talking.

--

I’m the guy who wants to love you.

I’m the guy who shares your dream.

I’m the guy who found you. You wanted to work hard and move to a small town, small house, big yard. It was surprising to hear someone like you say that. I’m the guy who found you.

I’m the guy you didn’t care about until the Nth time I happened to run into you.

I’m the guy you think goes around looking for a someone new. I’m the guy who's been looking for you.

I’m the guy you said was your number one.

Yeah, I’m that guy.

I’m the guy who knows you are a liar.

I’m the guy who knows you are afraid.

I’m the guy who knows how lonely you are.

I am the fool who believes you.

Yeah, I’m that guy.

I’m the guy who listens to you when you say you are selfish ... when you say you are just a child. I’m the guy who puts up with THAT.

I’m the guy who is not financially perfect.

I’m the guy whose mother knows you, whose friends know you.

I’m the guy who knows why people attach themselves to you ... who understands why. Completely.

I’m the guy who complained about your shoes and never bought you a new pair.

Yeah, I am that guy.

I’m the guy who forgets you are chinese ... who doesn’t know you are chinese ... who doesn’t know what chinese is. I'm the guy who thinks you forget you're chinese until it’s useful.

I’m the guy who said you were brushing your teeth wrong and never bought you a toothbrush.

I’m the guy who wants you to know what it’s like to make love to a friend ... who doesn’t think fucking proves anything.

Yeah. I’m that guy.

I’m the guy you didn’t tell you were married when we met ....

I’m the guy who lost your papers on the most important day of your life.

Yeah, I’m that guy.

I’m the guy you didn’t call when you left town on the day we had planned to spend together. I’m the guy whose calls you didn’t answer.

I’m the guy you can’t apologize to.

I’m the guy you lie to.

I’m the guy who wants to know who you are before I say I love you ... who needs to know I can trust you ... who thinks that saying “I love you” isn’t a strategy, but something that comes naturally when you trust someone enough to reveal yourself completely to them.

I’m the guy you say you could never make love you ... “never get a hug from your love conscious.”

I’m a guy you’ve never met before.

I’m the guy you left behind.

Yeah, I’m that guy.

I’m the guy who wants to love you.

I told you so ... that is, the JD part. Good for him. And good for Marty. It would have sucked for him to be trapped in a washed up band that nobody cares about. He's got a much better future for himself now after the exposure. I hope Rock Mentor Dave hooks up with Marty and he gets a career out of it. Cynic that I am, I'll bet somebody gets a piece of his pie.

I'd follow a link to anything Jordis ends up doing.

I'm done commenting on the show because I never really cared about any of it. I only add this post because I think it's ironic that the MSN sponsored show's debut ... that is, the INXS album featuring JD's original Pretty Vegas ... is going to be an iTunes exclusive.

Suzie has a nearly perfect voice. Absolute control from guttural growls to wispy falsettos in the same breath. Very impressive. Her face is maturing through this and she seems to have gotten prettier. (It’s come from confidence mostly, but the style team has helped)

I’m concerned about Suzie’s body. Not in ranking it, but in how well it plays the role. She appears awkward. Rock Mentor Dave jammed with her and the house band on a Stone Temple Pilots’ song and she tried to do the sexy air guitar thing some women singers do when confronted with male wankers. (Rock Mentor Dave is a wanker extraordinaire) It was embarrassing.

I don’t think Suzie is good in bed. No big deal.

Suzie, just don’t do it. Find something else. It’s not you. (I don’t think it is INSX either ... Have you seen these guys?)

Suzie followed up with the 4 Non Blondes’s classic What’s Going On? and nailed it. Yeah, Suzie.

JD did his Pretty Vegas original again with Rock Mentor Dave joining in. I think INXS likes the song. It sounds like an INXS song. JD is slipping into the job.

Marty did an acoustic version of his original Trees. Too bad. It sucked even with Rock Mentor Dave accompanying him. Then he gets one of the best songs ever to do as a follow up: Radiohead’s Creep. You can’t lead up to that song, you have to fall into it, let it swallow you up ... because trying to get out of it is the point.

Well ... it wasn’t fair. Creep is a great song, but very hard to interpret. Doing it as good or better than the original is impossible, so ...

Marty had nothing to show but cracks. INXS wanted to see them. Marty is not right for the band.

Mig was supposed to show his ‘dark’ side. They gave him Paint it Black.

Wow! Did you see the way Rock Mentor Dave slid his pick up and down the strings making that whoooshing sound that wankers make!

Mig is an androgynous british actor. I think he always will be. He should be.

It’s going to be JD. It should be.

Oh well ...

I'm used to this. I'm a Sacramento Kings fan.

Jordis understood it was coming. She couldn't handle the competition part of it. She is too pretty. The dreads and tattoos don't conceal that.

It's down to Marty or JD, I'm sure. Marty is a better human being, and he can change and adapt through professionalism. If INXS want that they should go with him. JD, on the other hand, is already a rock star. He is able to slip imperceptibly into the role laid out for him.

MIG? If this were the Kinks looking for a lead singer ...

Suzie can't grasp the sign. Her voice is almost perfect but she can't be a rocker. Her body is just wrong. It's nice, but it's unable to give itself over to that which is expected of it. She tries. But that's what it looks like: she is trying.

JD is able to play with it. The tradition is inside him. He actually needs to try more.

Almost in Real Time:

JD does an OK take on Come As You Are by Nirvana. Rock Mentor Dave points out: it was different from the original but the song was still there.

Then JD broke into an original (with drama ... you had to be there) pop-rocker-highway song: Pretty Vegas. It was great for what it was. Again, as Rock Mentor Dave pointed out you "could sing along with it before it was over."

It ain't pretty when the pretty leaves you with no place to go.

Maybe that was the lyric. I'm bad at lyrics, usually don't like them, don't wanna know them. Don't care. If that wasn't it, it still works for me ... as pop, not literature.

Suzie singing I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt. Nice voice. Who cares at this point? We know that. Let's start performing, people!

Suzie Original: Soul Life. Nice voice. Who cares.

MIG: Hard to Handle. Stupid song. He did nothing to it to make me change my mind.

MIG Original: Home In Me. A loser wimp song ballad thing. Who cares.

So far JD is way out front unless this is all about sensitivity. Suzie devoted her song to Ty ... the guy who thought racism voted him off. MIG sings about moving on after someone he knew died.

Keep it to yourself people. This is supposed to be ROCK.

oh! MIG's song was about INXS. Get it? Did it touch them?  Did nothing for me.

One INXS member says "Hey you last two rockers didn't sing INXS style songs. At this point in the show you should start thinking about that."

A little sting, but he is right.

Jordis: We Are the Champions. Sounded like she was celebrating a complaint. Missed a few notes. Too bad.

Jordis Original: Try Not. Bluesy. "Baybahhh". "Fiona Apple vibe" says Rock Mentor Dave. Nothing to write home about and she was the first to get negative comments: "Are you losing it?" Patronizingly: "You are the youngest one ..." as a way to say she isn't ready for this ... 'not bad for your age.'

Bummer people. Cut the personal crap. Self-expression has no place in art. It will take a lot of getting to know you before I'll care about your personal issues. You are here to entertain me. Now come people ... let's rock.

Marty. Please Marty, rock.

Everlong. Fuck. He wimped it up for INXS.

Marty Original: Trees. A song about Marty.

He didn't have to tell me that. Is that supposed to do something for me?

Marty's a nice guy. He can perform with intensity. But he is a sensitive urban male deep down. It's him or JD.

I would hate to have JD in my band but he is clearly the most seasoned rocker. His vocal skill is decent except when he falls into his Elvis baritone.

I never liked INXS. Network television, let alone reality TV, holds little interest for me. But this show is a blast. Sixteen people competing to be the new lead singer for the band INXS whose previous front man committed suicide about ten years ago. It's embarrassing.

Since the competition begins with each of the potential rockstars singing a classic rock song with the world voting on who they like the most (the bottom three vote getters come in the next night and sing an INXS song, then the band votes one of them off), it's a great survey of what makes for a great rock song.

Having said that, one of the best performances so far was Marty singing Brittany Spears' ... Baby One More Time. Marty is an odd, soft looking blonde guy from Chicago whose shortcoming is he usually equates emotion with anger. (There are other emotions, ya know.) His interpretation of the Spears' classic was downright scary. A solid 10. But the band had given him that song to see if he could find something else besides anger. He didn't, but he kicked so much ass with it, it trumped everything. He came back a couple weeks later and sang Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here and it made people cry. (Irony)

The other rocker I like is Jordis. She's too soft and young for INXS, but she's my favorite. A skilled vocalist who also brought tears to many eyes with her versions of David Bowie's The Man Who Sold the World and John Lennon's Imagine.

You [used to be able to] trip over to rockstar.msn.com to check out videos of the performances. Of note:

Week 1 - Jordis singing Nirvana's Heart Shaped Box
Week 4 - Jordis singing The Man Who Sold the World
Week 6 - Marty singing ...Baby One More Time
Week 8 - Pretty much a great show throughout. Marty singing Wish You Were Here, Jordis singing Imagine and Suzie bringing down the house with Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody.

They are down to five (potential) 'rockstars' from the original sixteen. It was pretty easy dumping someone up to this point. Now they all cry when INXS tells someone "You are just not right for our band." (It's so tough)

(I wonder if we begin to care about the things we participate in or if we choose to participate in the things we care about.)

I don't care who wins this thing. I'll never listen to an INXS album. And none of these people are really good enough for the job except, perhaps, J.D., an ex-Elvis impersonator who seems to have the arrogance and swagger required of a rockstar. He sings OK and already thinks he's a RockStar. That's more than half the battle.

Dave Navarro, 'Rock Mentor' acts as co-host of the show with Brooke Burke, and is a very strange looking individual.